Jokes - Try not to Lose them this time!

[Kotuku]

Jeff, my assistant can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Jeff works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Jeff never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Jeff is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field.. I firmly believe that Jeff can be
classed as a high-calibre employee, the type that cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I truly recommend that Jeff be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.


Addendum...
The idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote this report.
Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines, starting at the first line.

[taupof]

cough cough ""Catch and Release"" feels guilty.

[Kotuku]

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies

The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
'We missed out the R ! We missed out the R ! We missed out the R !'

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

'The word was...


CELEB R ATE !!!

[Kotuku]

A cop was on his horse
waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped
beside him.



'Nice bike,' the cop
said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little
girl said, 'he sure did!'



The cop looked the bike
over and handed the girl a $5 ticket

for a safety
violation.



The cop said, 'Next
year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on

the back of it!'



The young girl looked
up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse

you've got there Sir.
Did Santa bring it to you?'



Playing along with the
girl, he chuckled and answered,

'Yes, he sure did!'



The little girl looked
up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes
underneath the horse, not on top ..............

[Kotuku]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans, so I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with special favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?

[taupof]

lol

[Kotuku]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the
urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the
urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
 
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
 
The guy obeys and says,"99".
 
The doctor says, "Great".  Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
 
Again, the guy says, '99'."
 
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
 
The guy begins, "One .. Two ...Three".

[Kotuku]

(The Norwegian jokes are a stretch – she’s a Swede).

 

 

Apparently, the police asked Tiger’s wife how many times she hit him. She said, “I don’t know exactly, but put me down for a 5.”


If the only person that can beat Tiger is a blonde with big breasts, it’s time for Phil Mickelson to bleach his hair.


What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.


What was Elin doing out at 2.30 in the morning? Clubbing


Why did Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant AND a tree? He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.


Why did Phil Mickelson call Elin yesterday? To pick up some tips on how to beat Tiger.


What is the penalty for getting it in the wrong hole? Ask Tiger, he knows.


Tiger drives very well on the fairway but doesn’t fare very well on the driveway.



Nike wants to drop their endorsement due to accuracy problems. Apparently, Tiger’s spraying his balls everywhere.


It turns out that fixing Tiger’s game and fixing his marriage both require the same thing: better control over his putz.


Why was Tiger’s wife mad at him? She heard that he played a-round in Australia .


What will the headline be if they prove it is domestic violence? TIGER’S WIFE MAKES THE CUT


Given Tiger’s racial heritage can we call this a Black Thai affair?


Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family. Cheetah.


Elin Woods has a twin sister named Josephine. Know how to tell them apart? Elin is the one holding the bent 5 iron.

 
What do Tiger and the Beatles have in common? They both experienced a hit with Norwegian Wood.


First words spoken to the paramedics by Tiger: Who are you? And what are all these trees doing in my living room?



What does Tiger have in common with a baby seal? They’ve both been clubbed by a Norwegian.

[Kotuku]

The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Dan Carter getting eight tries.

The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Dan to go out on his own.

"No worries," Dan told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Dan headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score was 95-3.



"What!!!!," said a furious Graham Henry. "How did you let them get three points??!"




Dan replied apologetically: "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

[Kotuku]

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese man are hired to work on a construction site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling". To the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies".

He then tells them he has to go somewhere and when he returns to hours later he finds the huge pile of sand untouched. "Why didn't you sweep any of it" he asks the Italian. "The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an you tella me dat da Chinese a guy suppose bringa da supplies but he disappear and I no finda him".

The foreman turns then to the Scotsman and asks why he didn't shovel. "Aye, well I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies but I couldn'a find him". The foreman is furious and storms off looking for the Chinese fellow.

He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand and yells,



"Supplies!!!"

[Kotuku]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
 
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
 
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
 
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
 
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
 
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
 
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
 
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
 
Johnny is even madder than before.
 
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
 
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
 
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
 
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
 
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
 
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
 
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[Kotuku]

An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Geelong he asked her, "What did you steal?

"She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "6.".

The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

[Kotuku]

One thing about blokes from Ozzy land is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

He said:  'If hooking up one raghead terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camelshagger to save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,




Red is positive,
Black is negative,
And Make sure his nuts are wet.'

[Kotuku]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight.  His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it and on, and on, and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'

[Kotuku]

A Thought for the New Year


TWO WOLVES

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson
about a battle that goes on inside people. He said,
"My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

"One is Evil -  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow,
regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment,
inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

"The other is Good -  It is joy, peace, love,
hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,
empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and
then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."