Jokes - Try not to Lose them this time!

[Kotuku]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation - what did you learn from this demonstration???

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service.

[Kotuku]

 

 
 
Last week my wife said I was boring and asked why I didn't do something useful with my time rather than spending so much time on the computer. 
She suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "Are you nuts? You're 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes again?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

Now I'm in trouble and don't know what to do!  I'm signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier for me

[Kotuku]

It is well known that humor is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly from a Queenslander:

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery ( Tasmania ), Tooheys ( New South Wales ), XXXX ( Queensland ), CUB ( Victoria ) and Coopers ( South Australia ) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "VB."

The head of XXXX smiled and said "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well," he said with a shrug, "if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[Kotuku]

Keith bought a brand new Holden Monaro.

He took off down the road, pushed it up to 150 km/h and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great!" he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

Then he looked in his rear-view mirror and there was a Police Car.

"No problem" thought Keith and he floored it some more and flew down the road to over 210 km/h to escape being stopped.

He then thought "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir my shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th; if you can give me a good reason why you were speeding - that I've never heard before - I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman smiled and said, "Have a nice day."

[Kotuku]

The Last Penny
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three penny coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the penny coins but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee..
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. Tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the coins', which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied.
 
 
 
I'm with the Inland Revenue ...'

[Kotuku]

A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jannie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.
 
Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.
 
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
 
Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice t--s and wore tight pants.
 
Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.
 
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
 
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
 
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[Kotuku]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medical Teams were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a foetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

[Kotuku]

Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Jan. 15, 2011

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or crying About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors

[Kotuku]

Q. What's the difference between Ricky Ponting and a funeral director?
 
A. A funeral director doesn't keep losing the ashes.
 
 
Q. What do you call an Australian with a champagne bottle in his hand?
 
A. A waiter.
 
 
Q. What's the height of optimism?
 
A. An Aussie batsman putting on sunscreen.
 
 
Q. What do Aussie batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
 
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from
 
 
Q. What do you call an Aussie who can hold a catch?
 
A. A fisherman
 
-------------------------------------------------
 
On his way out into the middle to bat, Ricky Ponting gets a call from his wife and teammate Michael Hussey tells her he's heading out to the middle to bat.
 
His wife replies: "I'll hold on then."

 


A bloke walks into a brothel and says: "I'm a bit kinky, how much for total humiliation?"
The madam replies $60.
"Wow, what do I get for that," he says.
She says: "A baggy green cap and an Australian Cricket Shirt.
 
 

[Kotuku]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state's Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia 's Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f... all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

[Kotuku]

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

Where did it go?" asks Arthur.

"Don't know, can't remember."

[Kotuku]

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf.  One transferred to another city.  It wasn't the same without him.

 
A new woman joined their Club.  She overheard the guys talking about their golf round.  She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"

 
The three guys looked at each other.  Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot.  Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.

 

He figured the early tee-time would discourage her.  The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late.  They rolled their eyes, but said okay.  She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

 

She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.  She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed.  Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week.  She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

 
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp.  Only this time, she played left-handed.  The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.  They were totally amazed.

 

They couldn't figure her out.  She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up.  They invited her back again, but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.

 
The third week, the guys had their game faces on.  But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable.  This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.

 

The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was  so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads.  This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.  They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said.  "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous.  I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.  From then on, I developed a silly habit.  Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him.  If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."

 

The guys on the team thought this was hysterical.  Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

 

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

[Kotuku]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN  GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,  SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?


WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

 MY NAME IS  ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR  MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW  DENTIST.   I NOTICED HIS DENTAL  DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL  NAME.

 SUDDENLY, I  REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH  THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY  SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS  AGO

 

 COULD HE BE  THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK  THEN?
 UPON SEEING  HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH  THOUGHT.
 

 THIS BALDING,  GRAY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR  TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.


  AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH,  I  ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL ..
 

 'YES, YES I  DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH  PRIDE.
 

 'WHEN DID YOU  LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I  ASKED


 HE ANSWERED,  IN 1965.  WHY DO YOU  ASK?
 

 'YOU WERE IN  MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.


 HE LOOKED AT  ME CLOSELY.

 THEN  THAT

 UGLY,

 OLD,

 BALD,

 WRINKLED,

 FAT  ARSED,

 GREY  HAIRED,

 DECREPIT,
 
 BASTARD  ASKED....


 
 'WHAT DID YOU  TEACH?

[Kotuku]

Wall Street hedge fund managers, derivatives traders and mortgage loan officers could have learned something from this kid!


A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?' The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied,'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'

[Kotuku]

True Story. A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay Room 302.'

The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'

The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.'