Jokes - Try not to Lose them this time!

[Kotuku]

A Trout fishing guide from Taupo appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the guy offered. "Once, on a trip totown, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of the lot of ya's!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
.
.
.

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

[skankyHO]

I gave my missus an orgasm last night...she musn't have enjoyed it cause she spat it out!!
        

[Bigfish]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other
for a long time.
 
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get
married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation
regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
 
Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject
of
their physical relationship.
 
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
 
'I would like it infrequently,' she replied.
 
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned
over towards her and whispered,

'Is that one word or two?'

[Kotuku]

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, New Zealand, they decided to send it to the John Key in Wellington.

The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. John thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:


Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Wellington, and those Bastards deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Bigfish]

My neighbour found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this  from recurring, she should go to the chemist and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the chemist and bought some "Nair" hair remover.  At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.  If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

[Kotuku]

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious Gramps has his hands full with the kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy.'

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, 'It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be outta here - hang in there.'

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert.'

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. 'You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you for his grandpa.'

'Thanks, lady,' said Gramps, 'But I'm Albert - the little bastard's name is Johnny.'

[Kotuku]

Aussie Humour

Sometime this year, the Aussie taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment thanks to their Government

This is indeed a very exciting program, and it's very simply explained by an Aussie reader by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Be quiet.

Below is some helpful advice that's been given on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at K Mart, the money will Go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on Petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China.

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to New Zealand, Fiji and Indonesia.

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in Australia by:

1) Spending it at Garage sales, or

2) Going to Football games, or

3) Spending it on girls, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only Australian businesses still operating )

Conclusion:

Go to a Football game with a girl that you met at a Garage sale and drink beer all day !


No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[Kotuku]

Reunion of Old Friends
 
Rachel, Clare and Samantha hadn't seen each other since High School. They rediscovered each other via a reunion website and arranged to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrived first, wearing camel Versace. She ordered a bottle of chilled chablis. Clare arrived shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized hugs and kisses, she joined Rachel in a glass of chablis. Then Sam walked in, wearing a faded old Barbour anorak, blue jeans and Wellington boots. She, too, shared the wine after hugs and kisses.

Rachel explained that after leaving school and graduating from Princeton in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.

Clare related that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a Consultant Gynecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live on Long Island and have a second home in Florida.

Sam explained that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical birdpark in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Several hours later, half way down the third bottle of chablis, Rachel blurted out the her husband isn't Tim, he's Tom, and he's a shoe salesman. They live in a small condo in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby a storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, admitted that she and Clive are nurses in Bellevue. They live in Jersey City and vacation at a motel in Orlando.

Samantha said that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

[Kotuku]

The neighbours from hell.

Council tax valuers want to charge us Brits more if we live in a nice area. That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

Take our area for example - we have a huge council-funded house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs. Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments. A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet. All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, whom everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs. The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control. ..........


...honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

[Kotuku]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed.

He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.

[Kotuku]

Arab student sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:
Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really
like it here,
but Dad,
I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college
with my Gold Mercedes, when all my
Teachers travel by train.
Your Son
Nasser
Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from
his Dad:
Loving son,
Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your
account, please stop embarrassing us,
go and get yourself a train too.
Your Dad

[Kotuku]

Murphy applied for a fermentation operator post at a famous Irish firm based in  Dublin .  A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Pole the job."


Murphy, "And why would you be doing that?  We both got 19 questions correct. This being  Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job." 


Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."   


Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"


Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don’t know.' 


 


You put down, ‘Neither do I’.

[skankyHO]

 Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
 
So he decided to see a doctor.
 
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.

"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
 
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.

Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."

"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.

"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."

"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[Kotuku]

This is strange - but true. No wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Maroochydore High School, Queensland, staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school.

This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:


Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:

- To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

- To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

- To complain about what we do - Press 3

- To swear at staff members - Press 4

- To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

- If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

- To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8

- To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

- To complain about school lunches - Press 0

If you realize this is the real world and your child must be Accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!

- If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.

[Kotuku]

Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-


New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

 I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down
terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got
the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to
fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a
 military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10
seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving
us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the
enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier
 is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and
hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that
 desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a
while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys
always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up
killing some fanatical S-of-a-B....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put
them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns.. We've been using them for years as an excuse to
get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat
and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor
did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never
seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to
shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the
back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little
 more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last
thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old
farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years
 are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ....with PMS !!! You think Men have
attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol....we will have it secured
the first night!