Jokes - Try not to Lose them this time!

[Kotuku]

I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
 
" I'd like to live forever," I said.
   
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant anyone that wish, but ask for anything else and your wish is my command."     
     
"OK," I said, "I'd be happy just to live 'till Australia win the Rugby World Cup."
     
"You crafty bastard !" said the fairy.

[Kotuku]

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, 'so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple. It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure alright."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"



"Because he lives in a F******n clock!"

[Kotuku]

Paddy tells Mick
He's thinking of buying a labrador.

Your crazy, say's Mick, are you mad!!!!
Have you seen how many of their owners go blind.

[Kotuku]

The mother in-law came calling.
She rang the doorbell and walked in.
She was shocked to see her new daughter-in-law lying on the couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume
filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for your son to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Your son loves me to wear this dress," "It excites him no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic
and ravages me for hours. He just can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered,
put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD,
and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying
there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

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"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[Kotuku]

You win some and lose some.
Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at our country club last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
 
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
 

 
Apparently the correct answer is  Fiji .

[Kotuku]

Doctor Don had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said, 'Don, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Don.'

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Don...............You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard.

[Kotuku]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest  and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project  which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.


 WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.    Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh shit!'
                         

 SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.


 PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.


 BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.


  HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.


   VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.


   OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.


    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


     HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.


     BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw  primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the  line instead of the outside edge.


    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.


   PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.


    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.


     PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.


     HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.


      HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.


       UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and  slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front  door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl coverings, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.


    SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs.  It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

[Kotuku]

Shane, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Shane's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Chris, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Shane, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Chris, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Shane, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Shane's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you freaking idiot.............."

[Kotuku]

Deeply profound thoughts by men.
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
 

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I will divorce my wife.
She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,


'You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.'   

[Kotuku]

Johnny wanted to have sex with Sophia in his office, but she belonged to someone else...
 

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me make love to you. But the girl said 'NO'.
 

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.'
 

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
 

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'
 

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.
 

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
 

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
         

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it
and running into the risk of getting screwed!
 
 

[Kotuku]

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting.

[Kotuku]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.' As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Soon, another young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, a young woman again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered




'THE TEETH.'

[Kotuku]

FROM THE CAMERON COLUMN.

Fishing is the act of sitting in a boat for hours and hours waiting for something to happen.  It can be an exciting sport if you enjoy watching a lake evaporate one molecule at a time.  And sometimes, given the right rhythm to the waves, there’s the added attraction of throwing up.
 
My father and I go fishing occasionally, though we’ve never explained to each other why.  Holding a rod in my hands, I’m struck by the idea that fishing is sort of like kite flying, except the kite is very small and you can’t see it.  I mention this to my father, who doesn’t respond, either because he finds my comment unmanly or because he has fallen into a stupor.
 
We’re in Michigan, where he has gone to retire.  Based on how he spends his days, I assume he picked Michigan because it has good cable television.  We’ve paid the state a license fee so that if we catch anything, it will legally cost ten bucks an ounce.
 
We’re trolling, meaning that the boat is moving ahead slowly, dragging behind it a barbed lure in hopes some hapless fish will come across it.  To me, trolling is a bit like discharging a shotgun out your kitchen window, hoping you’ll hit a chicken.
 
The inside of our boat is smaller than the size allowed by the Supreme Court for prison cells.  “Catch anything yet?” I ask my father, hoping to amuse at least one of us.
 
He’s still not talking.
 
My dad bought a fish finder in order to, well, find fish.  We stared at the schools of huge fish on the small screen for two awestruck years before we realized we had it in “Demo” mode.  Now we don’t pay much attention to it, but we leave it in Demo because we find the images comforting.
 
Our lures are made of metal and plastic, substances that fish apparently find very appetizing.  I try to picture wanting to bite at the things as they sail past.  It’s as if you decided to ignore a hamburger and eat a unicycle instead.
 
My father has a new net.  (The old one fell apart from disuse.)  The new purchase is large enough to net a human cannonball.  “Why don’t we forget the lures and just drag the net through the water?” I suggest.  “Maybe we’ll catch Flipper.”
 
I’m starting to worry that perhaps my father thinks the fish are monitoring our conversation to learn our plans.  Finally he speaks.  “What’s he doing?” he says.
 
I look where he indicates.  A boat with a solitary fisherman approaches dead ahead, apparently planning to ram us at 3 MPH.  My father stands up and makes a nautical hand signal that means “You Are An Idiot.”  The captain of the opposing vessel shakes his fist, but makes no effort to change course.  This is an obvious challenge to which the only response is to not change  our  course.
 
We’re going to crash and sink because neither boat thought to bring along a woman to point out how stupid we’re acting.
 
The same laws of randomness that have protected the fish from being snagged by our hooks now prevents a boating accident by the narrowest of margins.  “I’ve been fishing this lake for 60 years,” my father calls to our enemy, establishing who has proprietary rights to this stretch of water.  The guy in the other boat smells like he’s been fishing even longer.
 
“I’ve been here all morning,” he counters as he slips past.
 
“Well, you won  that  debate,” I praise my father.
 
Moments later my rod dips and I’m fighting what feels like the biggest fish of my life.  With every tug it pulls back, as if it’s trying to catch  me.
 
With a sound like a bow firing an arrow, my line pops out of the water—I’ve hooked the lure of the enemy boat guy.  Our lures dance in the air for a moment while we strain against each other and then there’s a snap and we both fall back.  His line has  broken, and I reel in his lure while he shakes his fist.
 
My father’s disgusted, but I’m happy—I went fishing and finally caught something!

[Kotuku]

THIS IS SO CUTE !!!!!!
Three little Boys were concerned
because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.
They decided it was because they had not been Baptized
and didn't go to Sunday School.
 
So they went to the nearest Church. 

But, only the Janitor was there.
 
One little Boy said,
"We need to be baptized
because no one will come out and play with Us.
Will You baptize Us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
 
He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl,
one at a time.
Then He said, "You are now Baptized!".
 
" When they got outside,
one of them asked,
"What religion do You think We are?"

The oldest one said,
 
"We're not Kathlick, .because they pour the water on You."
"We're not Babtis, .......because they dunk all of You in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, ......because they just sprinkle water on You."

The littlest one said,
"Didn't you smell that water!" 

They all joined in asking,
"Yeah! What do You think that means?" 

"I think it means we're Pisspatarians

[Kotuku]

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young Sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya's!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"


"Just a couple minutes ago..."



One more to finish on. You're lost and alone in the middle of a vast forest. All you have with you is a soggy matchbox with a couple of broken matches left.

You have no food, no shelter and no hope of rescue. Who do you call?



You knew the answer - the Pakistan cricket team. They fix matches!