Jokes - Try not to Lose them this time!

[Kotuku]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

“Sure – get in line.”

[Kotuku]

An oldie but a goodie. A big city lawyer went duck hunting near Taupo. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Auckland and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Taupo. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?" The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the Attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot Into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old devil. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

[Kotuku]

There once was an Red - Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'   He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird  died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird  returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue  Bird's  cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow  Bird  wouldn't die!

 

 

 

 

Why

 

 

 

 

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

 

 

 

 

Think about it !!!

 

 

 

 

You're going to love this !!!

 

 

 

 

Everyone knows...

 

You can't kill Two  Birds

 

with OneStone !!!

[Kotuku]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

"What the heck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

[Kotuku]

Two Irish builders (Patrick and Seamus) are seated either side of a
table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits
on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit

Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Seamus: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Pat and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Pat: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Pat: - Oh? What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ...... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Pat: - Er ... mmm ......... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a
pond. Which is it?

Pat: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Pat: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you
have a large garden then you have a large house?

Pat: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ........ built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical
to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are
quite probably married? And with a family?

Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?

Pat: - Yep! Five times a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?

Pat: - Do what? Not me, mate!

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Pat: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you
about your sex life!

Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive.. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

Seamus: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Pat: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Seamus: - What's that then?

Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Seamus: - Nope

Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker

[Kotuku]

The ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER This one is a little different ........Two Different Versions ......

There are Different Morals


OLD VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and
laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE OLD STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house
and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
TV1,2 & 3 News, and Campbell Live
show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
The country is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so?
Sue Bradford appears on Campbell Live
with the grasshopper and everybody cries .
The Green Party stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, We shall overcome.
Green Party Leader Metiriea Turei condemns the ant
and blames John Key , Rob Muldoon , Roger Douglas , Capitalism and Global warming for the grasshopper's plight.
John Minto exclaims in an interview with TV News that the ant has
gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally to gain votes to win an election , the Government drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to consider how his hard work and preparation has affected the Grasshoppers Mana and,
having nothing left to pay his retroactive
taxes, his home is confiscated under the Government Land Repo Act and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government confiscated house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared to Australia,
never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a Drugs related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of Homeboy spiders who terrorize the once prosperous and peaceful, neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2011
I've sent this to you because
I believe that you are an ant!

You may wish to pass this on to other ants, but don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it, anyway.

[Kotuku]

A blonde is flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot when he has a heart attack and dies.

She frantically calls a Mayday: "Mayday!  Mayday!  Help me!  Help me!  My pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly.  Help me!  Please help me!"

Suddenly she hears a voice over the radio saying: "The is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.

I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!

Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice from the tower.
"Repeat after me: Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . ..”

[Kotuku]

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven's gates together. When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: "Sorry, it's crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?"

"Oh, that's easy," the teacher replies, "the Titanic." So St. Peter lets her into Heaven.

Next he turns to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asks.

"Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was 1,500." St. Peter steps away and the thief walks into Heaven.

Finally (you know what's coming), St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says: "Name them."

[Kotuku]

A biker is visiting the zoo in Auckland when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker without hesitation runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A NZ Herald reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life'.

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right'.

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...'

So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have'?

The biker replies, 'I'm a soldier in the New Zealand Army and a Labour voter'.

The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

"NEW ZEALAND SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH".

[Kotuku]

QUICK FIRE ANSWER 1
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked..
"Yes or no," she replied.

QUICK FIRE ANSWER 2
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these Chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

QUICK FIRE ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said.
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

QUICK FIRE ANSWER 4
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

QUICK FIRE ANSWER 5
I pointed to two old drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend: "That's us in 10 years";
He said, "That's a mirror, dip-shit.“

[Kotuku]

Getting Married 
Jack, age 92, and Gill, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemist shop and Jack suggests they go in.

Jack addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jack: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jack: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds "

Jack: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jack: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jack: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works.."

Jack: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely.."

Jack: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do..."

Jack: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jack: "Adult incontinence pants?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."
Jack:
"Then we'd like to use this store for our wedding presents list..."
 

[Kotuku]

MAYBE THIS STUDENT DESERVES 100% FOR CREATIVITY
 
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
 
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
 
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges
in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[Kotuku]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".

[Kotuku]

Women Drivers!

This morning on the motorway,
I looked over to my left and there was a Woman

In a brand new BMW

Doing 125 km
With her Face up next to her Rear view mirror Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away For a couple seconds !


And when I looked back she was

Halfway over in my lane, Still working on that makeup..


As a man, I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much;
I dropped My electric shaver,

Which knocked The meat pie Out of my other hand.

In all The confusion of trying To straighten out the car
Using my knees against The steering wheel, It knocked
My Mobile phone Away from my ear Which fell Into the coffee
Between my legs, Splashed, And burned Big Jim and the Twins,

Ruined the phone, Soaked my trousers, And disconnected an Important call.


Bloody women drivers!!

[Kotuku]

An Italian MaMa

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. 

He lives with a female flatmate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's flatmate is. 

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just flatmates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." 

So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son                       

Anthony
 
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
 

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa
 
Moral:

Never Bulla Shita you MaMa