Jokes - Try not to Lose them this time!

[Kotuku]

You Gotta Love the Irish
 
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this..   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."




 
Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. "   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.   "Where are ye callin' from?"




An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie , "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch!   What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."



Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[Kotuku]

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare. With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look! 'em over and pick the one you want.' The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion. 'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. 'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect, she's the one I want to marry.'

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

'Well,' explained the Redneck... 'She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...pregnant when you met her.'

[Kotuku]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car.

I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this....

 Buy a ticket.'

[Kotuku]

CAKE OR BED

A  HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE  INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE  HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT  HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I  HAVE
ENERGEX WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK  SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU  FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE  REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE  WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK  SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE  STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M  NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT  LOOK LIKE I HAVE
BUNNINGS WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T  THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE  PUB!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF  HOURS..................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL  GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO  HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS  ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES  THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE  NOTICES
THE FRIDGE  DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET  FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND  CRIED

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG,  AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL  I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A  CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU  BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO..

DO YOU SEE SARA LEE WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?

I  DON'T THINK SO!

[Kotuku]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of  El Indio , Texas  leading an old tired mule.  The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.  He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"  The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,   "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospect or, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.  The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing ! immediately.  The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and s aid, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

 
There are a few lessons for us all here:

 
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.
 
I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?!

[Kotuku]

Seeing they are beating us at Cricket!!

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

[Kotuku]

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect,they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office

and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,

and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete..

I don't think you understand.

Do either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland.


Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore

and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read... it say:

~~~Polish Remover~~~

[Kotuku]

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in
Glamorgan, South Wales.

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement.

However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.

After all, it is ONLY A SIGN, but you may well ask.

"What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?"





Answer:
A FUNERAL PARLOUR.

(WHO SAID UNDERTAKERS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?)
YOU GOTTA LOVE IT !!!
God Bless The Welsh

[Kotuku]

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the
husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and 
said,

"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I
have to know.
In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.
Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, 
but always for a good reason.”

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I 
never suspected.  Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and 
we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the 
next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you 
for that.  You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so
sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart
surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor
one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of 
course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for 
president of your golf club, and
you needed 73 more votes?"

[Kotuku]

One with a Easter flavour - or close to it. Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as
time went by, the traffic built-up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day Farmer John called the sheriffs office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff. "I don't care," said Farmer John. "Just do something about these crazy drivers!" So the next day, he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said, SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The school crossing sign seems to make them go even faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign that said, SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

But that sped them up even more! So Farmer John kept calling, and the sheriff kept changing the signs. Finally, Farmer John said to the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff was ready to let Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day. He said, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And after that, the sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "Hows the problem with those drivers? Did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. Ive got to go. Im very busy." He hung up the phone. The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself "Id better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer Johns house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:



NUDIST COLONY-Go slow and watch out for the chicks.

[Kotuku]

This one really brought a tear to my eye.....very moving.





A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.


He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,   
"No dear...both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.

.
.
.
.

"Well", she said, "We're not having any of that gay shit in our garden !"

[Kotuku]

An Aussie Joke

BUNDY RUM (Bundaberg Rum)...Queensland's famous product! Forget Jamaica or any other rubbish!

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown (For you overseas people..a King Brown is one of the deadliest snakes on earth) with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good fish bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the grass without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

[Kotuku]

Another Aussie Joke (I am over here on Work and you can bet how this joke would be told in NZ)



A kiwi decides one day that he is sick and tired of all these Kiwi jokes and how all Kiwis are perceived as stupid. So, he decides to show his flatmate - an Aussie - that Kiwis really are pretty smart.

While his flatmate is off at work, he decides that he is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. Being students, it was well and truly long overdue. The next day, right after his flatmate leaves for work, he gets down to the task at hand.

His flatmate arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his flatmate lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that he is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks him if he is OK. He replies yes. He asks what he is doing and he replies that he wanted to prove to him that not all Kiwis are dumb. He'd had a gutsful of the ribbing he was getting in the flat. He wanted to do it, by painting the house. He then asks him why he has a parka over her leather jacket. He replied that he was reading the directions on the paint can and it said . . .



You'll love this . . .


Yep... I know you will . . .



"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"

[Kotuku]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
 
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden,  God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
 
'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc . She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.
'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes 
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'
'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

[Kotuku]

A man applying for a job at a Hawkes Bay lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this - have you had any actual experience in picking lemons? "The man replied, "Yes, I have. I've been divorced three times, I bought a Pajero once and I voted for Winston Peters."